Warrior - 1

Hello there! Was digging through your profile and saw this.

I just came up with a new reviewing style on this site. XD So I'll start with the nitpicks, and then I'll go more into what my general impressions on it were. By the way, the story drew me in immediately and kept my interest to the end. Kudos.

I watched with baited bated breath as the warrior advanced through the dark chamber, sword in his hand and shield upon his arm. He moved slowly, armor glinting dully in the faint light from the sparse torches upon the walls. Suddenly a large, spider-like creature sprang out in front of him, and with a massive stroke the warrior felled it. No sooner had the first spider keeled over, dead, than more of them poured out from the adjoining room. The warrior hacked and slashed at the horde, slaying all of them with relative ease. How is that possible? Could you maybe give us more description of the battles? Never mind.

“Way to go, Nighthawk,” I murmured unconsciously (How can he say it unconsciously if he's playing the game?) to the warrior.

Nighthawk stepped towards the threshold, only to be confronted by a giant spider, much larger than the previous ones. He crouched into a defensive stance and raised his shield, sword gripped firmly in his hand. The spider tried to stab him with its venomous fangs, succeeding a couple of times. I winced as Nighthawk’s strength weakened, but he finally overcame the gargantuan arachnid and watched impassively as it crumpled to the ground, shrieking its death cry.

“Josh!”

A hand tapped me on the shoulder, and I glanced up with a start. “What, Mom?” I asked in a sharper tone than I meant to have. It sounds smoother if you just say it that way.

“Honey, we’re here. Put your game away.”

I begrudgingly (maybe you could say 'I sighed and switched my PSP off' here instead of telling us that he doesn't want to) switched my PSP off, watching the small warrior disappear from the screen. Slipping the electronic device into my backpack that was laying lying at my feet, (not as wordy that way) I straightened up and looked out the window.

We really were at our destination. A large expanse of grass spanned the distance between us from where we were getting out of the tourist’s bus and the castle. This sentence sounds long and awkward. You might want to change it to something less wordy, something like 'A large expanse of grass spanned the distance between us, getting off from the tourist bus, and the castle.'

“What do you think, Josh?” Mom asked excitedly. “You’ve always talked about coming to England to see the real castles. Here we are!” I love it. You don't need the excitedly if you describe the shine in her whatever-color eyes. Also, moms are definitely like this. Good job!

It was true, I had wanted to see an authentic castle, but I hadn’t imagined it resembling a piled-up, ruined mess of gray stones. Some more characterization of Josh here. And it's got a touch of dry humor. It definitely wasn’t very popular; we were in a little known part of England, where all those moors and manors seem to thrive. Interesting...I find it believable, but a publisher might be looking for a little more detail--for instance, what province/part of England is this place? My parents had called some travel agency or other, inquiring into any nearby castles that hadn’t been quite as modernized as some. He uses some big language! Previously it's been informal and I loved it that way, but suddenly his parents inquired? Is he twelve? Sixteen? Ten? To make it seem more childish, you could say 'My parents had called some travel agency or other, asking for any nearby castles that hadn't been nearly as changed as some--Castle Thornbury as an example.' So I also added just a little bit more detail in there. They had directed us to a large red bus that had driven us out to our present location. There were only (might help in making the following clause clearer in relation to this one) a few wandering tourists here, and everyone could roam freely around the castle instead of having one of those guided tours where you can’t touch anything and you have to stay with the group. So true. Loving the attitude.

“Well?” Mom asked, waiting eagerly for my reply. Hmm...this is just a showing/telling thing, but perhaps you could instead say 'Mom asked, putting her hands on her hips. I rolled my eyes at her as everyone nearby turned around to stare at me.'

“It’s sweet,” I said, and that seemed to satisfy her. Ah, parents...how clueless they are. XD Excellent characterization.

“Well,” she said, turning to Dad and Emily, my little sister. “What say you we go in now?” This sentence sounds really awkward. Is Mom trying to talk like they did in the medieval ages? If so, then I understand. But this isn't modern language. Maybe you could add 'that' between you and we.

Emily wrinkled her nose. “It’s gross,” she said, crossing her arms with as much maturity as a twelve year old can have, and giving a little head toss for good measure. Very typical, and well described. So now we know that Josh must be at least twelve years old. “I thought it was going to be nicer than just a big pile of rocks.” Seems very similar to what Josh thought earlier. You could say 'just a big mound of rocks' instead.

And even though it did resemble a pile of boulders haphazardly placed on top of each other without any other thought, I felt a torrent of defensiveness (that way, the reader isn't left hanging what 'a defensiveness' is.) rushing through me. Or maybe it was just defiance. Now that I think about it, it was most likely the latter.

“Em, that’s a real castle,” I said. “People actually lived in it hundreds of years ago. It probably housed a knight or even a lord.”

“Would royalty have lived there? Like a princess?” Emily asked languidly. Telling instead of showing. (I have a lot of trouble with it in my own stories, strangely.) You could say, 'Emily asked, drawing herself up to her full height and raising one elegant eyebrow at me.'

“No,” I scoffed, appalled at the idea.

“Then it’s not much of a castle!” she retorted.

I merely shrugged and muttered, “Whatever.” Not to go off on a tangent, but I have to say that “Whatever” is such a great word, because it plainly shows that not only are you done with the conversation, but you’ve also lost interest and don’t care any more, and once you say it, there’s really nothing left for anyone else to say, so you get the final word in the whole matter. This is just hilarious. More of the teenage Josh showing through here. I like it.

“I think we’ve stood here enough,” Dad intervened cheerfully, tousling Em’s short brown hair. “Let’s take a peek inside.” Good father. I like this guy. Very realistic, just like with Mom.

I hoisted my backpack up and followed my parents across the grass, the castle getting larger and more defined as we approached. I could see the walls and remains of the turreted towers, and even a couple of arrow slits where the archers would fire at the enemy while staying shielded from any retaliation. The gatehouse was facing us, and I could see the wooden drawbridge open and spanning the large ditch that used to be a moat, but was now just a steep grassy slope. I love this paragraph. It reminds me so much of Ranger's Apprentice. Obviously, you either read the series extensively or did your research. Or possibly both.

“Do you think it’s safe to cross that?” Mom asked Dad in a low voice.

“Of course,” he said casually. More of the telling. You could say instead, 'he said, waving a hand.' “They’ve got it reinforced and everything. I mean, the wood wouldn’t have stayed in such good condition after centuries of mold and bugs and such.”

As we crossed the drawbridge, I took a quick peek over the side, imagining dark, murky water below filled with some fierce, aquatic creatures residing in the depths. I'll say it again, I really like your characters so far. It's obvious that Josh is a boy right now.

“Ooh, that looks sharp,” Em said, pointing to a row of rusted iron spikes protruding from the top of the gatehouse.

“That’s the portcullis,” I said with an enthusiasm that surprised even me. “It’s like a giant iron grid that they lowered to prevent the enemies from entering.”

We continued through the gatehouse, and I pointed up at holes (You might want to replace this word with something else--look at the next sentence.) above our heads. “Murder holes,” I explained, morbidly enjoying the expressions the word elicited. (I certainly hope that we know that he's being morbid right now. And also, how would this fifteen year old know 'elicited'? I mean, yeah, he seems well-educated on castles and medieval stuff and all that, but if he seriously enjoys playing his PSP like at the beginning, that vividly, then I don't think he would be class star at vocabulary. Then again, maybe his parents force him to do it. But why wouldn't he be studying instead of playing his PSP?) “They would pour boiling oil or water or even hot sand down through these if the enemy made their way in. There’s another portcullis there,” I pointed to the other end of the gatehouse, “They’d lower both of them so that the enemy were trapped and couldn’t escape their imminent—”

“Joshua!” Mom said sharply. “I think that’s enough detail for now. Let’s keep going; the bus will be here in an hour to pick us up.” Random thought--Mom, you rock.

I shrugged nonchalantly (We don't need that there, do we?) and followed my parents as we entered the inner ring of the castle’s walls. They started towards the walls, intending to walk the entire perimeter, but I went towards the next set of gates. Mom happened to notice, and she called, “Be careful in there, we’ll join you in a moment.”

I gave a quick nod and entered the bailey, (Good job doing your research! ) the very heart of the castle walls. The ground was completely covered in overgrown grass and weeds, and cracked stones were strewn around the whole place. (Now something fills the gap the reader was wondering about.) The walls were crumbling, and I espied (I'm guessing you meant 'spied' here, not 'espied'.) the faint outline of a set of stairs leading up along the inside of the wall and onto what was left of the walkway. I made my way to the top of the walls, and headed towards a tall, peaked tower at the southern (or perhaps it was northern, although of course you (Don't switch POVs suddenly. You could change this to 'of course one can't forget about...') can’t forget about east or west) corner of the castle.

When I reached the door that led inside, I paused, not because I knew that I would be grounded for the rest of the vacation’s duration if my mom happened to catch sight of me, but because I suddenly felt a gust of wind blow through the rotting planks that brushed the hair out of my eyes and sent a chill through me. I had a feeling that if I stepped through that door, something would happen, something monumental and life-changing. Of course that wasn’t exactly what went through my head at the time, but later as I thought back on the moment, I understood what that feeling was. This may be just me, but it seems a little cliché right here. Perhaps you could instead say, 'And then I pushed the door open, knowing that I would be discovered anyway if I stood here too long.'

Anyways, (The spell-checker told me that 'anyways' isn't a word. ) I went through the door and found myself in a darkened room. (Hmm...that sounds a little awkward. Maybe you could just say 'a dark room.') There was one long window that let a beam of light in, and with it I could see that part of the tower had obviously crashed in. (I find this sentence structure and the word choice a little weird. How could one long window only let a single beam of light in? Several beams I could understand, but only one? If it's because of the weather, you could tell the reader while the family is still outside, walking across the grass. Also, I might be being stupid, but I'm not sure what you mean by 'part of the tower had obviously crashed in.') Dust motes (Why would he say 'dust motes'? He's only fifteen years old. It would be more likely for a teenager to say 'Specks of dust....') floated in the sunbeam and I looked around, unimpressed. (You can do so much more with this sentence! Show us. Say, for example, 'I glanced quickly around, even checking behind one faded purple curtain. Nothing.') This was a waste of time; nothing of interest was here, so I decided to leave.

But a voice stilled stopped me; it was faint, like a whisper of the wind, and I whirled around. I changed 'stilled' because it sounded really out of place to me. Added the little part with the wind for imagery purposes.

“Hello?” I couldn’t see anyone in here, but you one never knew. However, the voice continued, and I was under the impression that it was coming from a ways off—like, from outside the tower walls. It certainly didn’t have that whispery (Doesn't seem to be a word--maybe you could say 'whisper-like' instead.) quality to it, so I surmised that the muted tone was obtained by it being muffled. Whoa there! Big language! What about 'So I supposed that the voice had previously been muffled'? Not as wordy.

With a shrug, I turned to leave again. A gust of wind suddenly tore through the tower, making me take a step back in shock at the fury of it. My eyes instinctively closed, and I felt my hair being whipped against my cheeks, stinging them a bit. Alarmed at the extreme pressure, I crouched, huddling into a ball as the wind whistled all around me. I dipped my head down to take a breath without having a large gust rush into my lungs. Wonderful description in this paragraph! Kudos again.

England sure goes in for some strong gales ones, I ruminated as the wind increased into a twister-like swirl gale. (I took the liberty of adding more informality to his thought and letting 'gales' take the place of 'swirl'. I also italicized the thought. And why the 'ruminated' all of a sudden? A simple 'thought' is much more understandable to the reader.) It was getting so loud that I couldn’t hear anything else—well, no, scratch that. I could hear the voice, odd as it may seem. (Has more flow if you simply say 'oddly enough.') If anything, it sounded louder than before, and consequently a little clearer. The words were indistinguishable; they seemed to be spoken in some foreign language, like French or Czechoslovakian or Elvish. Czech just sounds out of place with French and Elvish. And now that I think about it, the flow seems smoother if you say 'like French or Elvin.' But that's probably just me.

And then, quite suddenly, the wind stopped. Make that last sentence its own paragraph. It emphasizes the suddenness of it.

My first reaction was surprise at the instant ceasing of pressure around me. (The wording is sort of big for 15 years. Maybe you could say 'My first reaction was surprise at the instant calm around me.) Wariness quickly followed up; who knew if another tornado was preparing to enter the tower.? Somehow, the air felt different, almost warm, and certainly lighter. (I'm not quite sure what you meant here.) At length (which really meant about five seconds of hurried deliberation), (Agh! Please no. Please just say 'After a moment' instead of fooling your reader. It's supposed to be humorous, but it's actually one of my pet peeves. Sorry if I sound harsh.) I finally raised my head and blinked, accustoming myself to my surroundings. Again, some big words. You could say instead, 'getting used to my surroundings.'

My mind vaguely grasped the fact that there was now a row of long, skinny windows that let the afternoon sunlight in the room, which had, incidentally, grown exponentially. In fact, as I glanced up at the vaulted ceiling above me, it was as if I was in an entirely different room altogether. No trace of a ruined, dusty old tower remained; instead, everything was clean and smooth and fresh. Nice imagery!

I blinked again, slowly, to make sure that I didn’t have some piece of any mud in my eyes.

I didn’t.

So that was how I would write the last paragraph. I separated it into two sentences, and changed some of the words, as you can see.

Hey Ranger, Stella here! I was halfway through a review when it got deleted...

I. NITPICKS

I watched with baited breath as the warrior advanced through the dark chamber, sword in his hand and shield upon his arm.

Suddenly a large, spider-like creature sprang out in front of him,

Slipping the electronic device into my backpack

Not to go off on a tangent, but I have to say that “Whatever” is such a great word, because it plainly shows that not only are you done with the conversation, but you’ve also lost interest and don’t care any more, and once you say it, there’s really nothing left for anyone else to say, so you get the final word in the whole matter.

“Joshua!” Mom said sharply. “I think that’s enough detail for now. Let’s keep going; the bus will be here in an hour to pick us up.”

and headed towards a tall, peaked tower at the southern (or perhaps it was northern, although of course you can’t forget about east or west) corner of the castle.

I blinked again, slowly, to make sure that I didn’t have some piece of mud in eyes; I didn’t.

Haha well I know what you mean, I'm definitely not going to post it all up (120,000+ words, that'd be about 60 posts if I kept them short posts!) but I was just really wanting some reader feedback, to see whether it stands a chance or not. Thanks for your concern!

Sorry I had to keep it under 250 characters because I don't want a review, but what I meant was if your intent is to have it published then it may be for the better if you dont post it. I've had no experience, but I think the publisher may not like it if you've already posted chapters on the internet. Possibly just post the chapters you feel you need help with the most? Or just post it all, but if you do post it all then I will definitely end up reading it.

BTW: this better not count as a review...

EDIT: well this sucks...

Day wrote:Also I would recommend not posting more of it.

I didn't want to say what you did wrong or right, but just say that this is awesome! It's so cool you've been writing a novel, but you should have told me. I love the introduction to the story. Also I would recommend not posting more of it.

~Day

I think its great. Seriously, I have no complaints, and I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors. I personally like how its written, because it really lets your character set the tone and narrate the story without sounding stilted. I'm a fan of the whole medieval knights-swords-awesomeness fantasy, so this caught my attention right away with your intro.It held my interest all the way through and I can't wait to read the rest! PM me when you post more, please!
Sorry if this wasn't very helpful, but the best advice I can think of is to keep this up!!!

I think that when it comes to first person narratives, readers are more than willing to overlook the fact that if this were a real first-person account, it would have been written by the character at some future point. After all, if readers demanded true authenticity, it would be an incredibly bland story, since no one remembers every detail of every event that's happened to them.

And so, I think you're fine in just writing it this way, but make sure the narrative reflects how Josh speaks and acts at various stages. It would be very much awesome to be able to see the changes in his maturity levels through not just his actions but also how he's writing, through the words and structures he uses.

In the end, every narrative form has a flaw, and the "How, exactly, is this character writing this, and why, and how does remember so much?" flaw is first person's, but readers will always overlook those for the sake great storytelling.

This was good. Like the other reviewer, I liked the informality. You could probably do away with some of the bigger words and make it even more informal.

Your grammar was very good throughout, just one thing bothering me.

I watched with baited breath

Whoa, I log on and find a whole bunch of notifications telling me people have commented on my post! Makes me get all excited like you wouldn't believe! ^^

Thank you so much; I'm glad you all liked it, and it's good to know that the twist worked.

TheEnigma wrote:Also, the character's thought should be italicized.

Wonderful, Ranger Hawk.I'm a real sucker for medeival stuff (swords, castles, armor, ahhhhhh...) and this really caught my interest. I think you could make your MC's personality more apparent, but that's my only nitpick. Totally Awesome.

Ooh, I really liked this. I love how you started it out. At first I was like "whaa..?" but it caught my attention. Then it said that he was playing a video game! It shows humor! (:
I could totally see the scene--there were no questions to ask 'what is going on'. One thing though is that sometimes the descriptions were just too long.

But continue! Good luck with publishing and I will of course read more. I really enjoyed it!

--Lollipopper

Hey there Ranger Hawk, thought I'd check out what you've been writing as you've been kind enough to look at mine.

Anyway, I must say I enjoyed this - I admit I almost gave up on it after reading about the warrior and the spiders, glad to know it was a game. Great twist so I continued.

I'm not usually a fan of this kind of story and I often dislike stories written in the first person so to say I enjoyed this is a lot of praise from me. There's not much nitpicking or positive comments I can add that haven't already been said by others.

So for now all I can say is I'm looking forward to see where the next chapter goes and I'll make sure to comment on that one in more detail when it arrives.

Overall, very well written. Your descriptions were nice and your characters had depth. I especially liked the tone of your MC. I agree with Rachael; the informality fits the point of view you're writing from. I'd say stick with it.
There are a couple of things I'd like to point out quickly. I noticed you had a great vocabulary, but sometimes you got a little carried away with big words:

The walls were crumbling, and I espied the faint outline of a set of stairs leading up along the inside of the wall and onto what was left of the walkway.

England sure goes in for some strong gales, I ruminated as the wind increased into a twister-like swirl.

Hey Rachael, thanks for such an in-depth review!

RachaelElg wrote:But, this is being written retroactively, so maybe those "big words" fit in. Of course, if you go with that "He's writing this from the future!" angle, then you have to ask why he sounds like a fifteen-year-old instead of however-old-he-is-now-year-old, and that leads to every problem there is with first person narratives. So, it's probably safer just to tailor everything to where he sounds like he's fifteen and not get into anything too complicated/tricky.

Thankfully it was a video game. And a very believable one, down to the name of the warrior and the giant spiders (those seem to be a favorite baddie), and the description you use for it is very precise. So, awesome.

Two--Emily doesn't seem like she's 12. Her dialogue is too young, and her actions seem a bit older.

I'm going to disagree with ThatBoy and say that the informalness was great and that the formalness is what you have to watch out for. Through most of this, you hit "fifteen-year-old boy" really well. But sometimes, he'll use words that I can't imagine a fifteen-year-old knowing.

But, this is being written retroactively, so maybe those "big words" fit in. Of course, if you go with that "He's writing this from the future!" angle, then you have to ask why he sounds like a fifteen-year-old instead of however-old-he-is-now-year-old, and that leads to every problem there is with first person narratives. So, it's probably safer just to tailor everything to where he sounds like he's fifteen and not get into anything too complicated/tricky.

Now onto other stuff.

When I first read your opening paragraphs, I was wincing inside, wondering how I was going to tell you that "This sounds way too much like a video game." Thankfully it was a video game. And a very believable one, down to the name of the warrior and the giant spiders (those seem to be a favorite baddie), and the description you use for it is very precise. So, awesome.

Mom seemed very Mom-like, and Dad seemed very Dad-like. I didn't get a picture of either, really, but this probably doesn't matter, since you've already dropped your reader into the plot, and family problems don't really seem to be at the source of any emotional turmoil. Aka, Josh here isn't being summoned back in time/to a magical kingdom/whatever because he bickers with his sister or has 'tude issues with his parents or whatever. Which is a VERY refreshing change from a lot of the "Modern, everyday Earth kid goes to magical/historical place" stories.

That last quoted bit is my main concern at this point. The transportation of a normal day Earthling to another place has been abused by the fantasy authordom for awhile, and you'll probably encounter resistance. But that said, from what I can tell, you're making this story your own, and fresh and new. It's updated for post 2000, with the PSP and the family tourists trying to get the "real deal." And, you've avoided 1990s angst-a-thon for the reasons I mentioned in the above paragraph.

I only have two more notes of critique for you.

One--watch your dialogue tags. You're a bit adverb happy, and adverbs with dialogue tags make things clunky and artificial. Unless they really, really show the reader something, avoid them, and try making the meaning in the adverb carry in the action of the speaker or in the speaker's words themselves.

Two--Emily doesn't seem like she's 12. Her dialogue is too young, and her actions seem a bit older. The easiest solution is probably just to make her younger, and her trying to act older and mature could just be a facet of who she is. That, in turn, would tell us some more about who Josh is, because it takes a pretty patient and kind older brother to put up with a preteen princess of a sister.

In the end, I liked this quite a lot, and I'd love to read more and see where you take this.

Rach

Thanks guys! Haha that was the one thing I was worried about, that the overall tone of the narrator would get to be too much...he's just your average fifteen year old, and hopefully you can hear him mature as the story progresses...we'll see. Thanks again!

Hey Rh!

Well, friend, this is an awesome start to what seems to be an awesome story. Very original, writing from boy's pov for the MC. Very interesting so far.

I have to agree with Thatboy that sometimes, the speech was a little informal. I mean, how old is this kid?

That's really my only nitpick. Great job!
Can't wait to read more...

Tanya

well, i noticed that you said you wanted to have this novel published and, good news: as far as i can see, this steps up to the mark.

i think the only fault i found with this is that the person telling the story can be a little too informal at times; that's not always a bad thing but i think maybe it can be a little bit too much - sometimes.

the story and the story telling were very good and there were alot of nice little words and phrases that really made the story more interesting. the cliff-hanger at the end was put in at the right time and made the reader want to read more of the story. i also think the length of the piece was a nice length for a book.

overall. if the standard remains this high, i think i might go and buy this if it comes to England.

ps. i have been brought up in England and i must say that you described the castles here very well and described them for what they are.

and the story will take place in England but a long, long time ago. i look foreward to reading the rest of the book and hope more chapters are added soon.

thatboy